


But I Like It, Because It Is Bitter, And Because It Is My Heart

by heavenlyhost



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-24
Updated: 2012-06-24
Packaged: 2017-11-08 10:34:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/442265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heavenlyhost/pseuds/heavenlyhost





	But I Like It, Because It Is Bitter, And Because It Is My Heart

He knows he was hit even before his memories start.

But he loves his father, deep in his heart, and pretends that the first time he was ever hit was when he was four, when Barney came away with a dislocated shoulder, and Clint a shattered collarbone.

He pretends because he likes to imagine that they used to be a happy family.

Barney smacks him when Clint tells him, sneers and says they were _never a happy family_.

Clint cries silently into the scratchy pillow, small shoulders shaking, but he never stops pretending.

-

He knows they call him the young god of lies, but Thor is a liar, too.

But he loves his brother, deep in his heart, and doesn’t speak up when Thor stole his glory, was praised for Loki’s accomplishments.

He speaks of it when Thor demands answers for his foul mood, but with disregard, because such things don’t bother him. They don’t.

Thor shakes his head when Loki tells him, denies the event and says it is _an imagined slight_.

Loki digs his nails into his palm, expression neutral, but he never forgets the dismissal.

-

When Jacques hit him, it was with a knife to a high wire.

Clint remembers what it was like to fall; the distance that used to seem so far is short and quick. He barely remembers the impact.

He woke up to sterile white walls and broken legs.

He remembers Barney hitting him with words and abandonment.

He remembers the cold, aching pit of loneliness.

-

Thor overshadows him again with brashness and brute strength.

Loki remembers what it was like to be ignored; the magic that he learned gave him new knowledge. His mind grew stronger.

He snuck through doorways and worlds.

He remembers creating an illusion of Thor who praised him for his mind.

He remembers the cold, aching pit of loneliness.

-

Clint stops counting the number of times he is hit after Buck shoots him.

He lets himself be drowned in the waves of emptiness, he lets S.H.I.E.L.D. take him and pour into him their desires. He carries them out because he has nothing else.

They give him a home and he pays for it.

-

Loki never stops counting the number of times he is turned on.

He fights the current, fills himself with ambition and desire and lets their slights pour bitterness into his heart. He enacts his revenge because he has nothing else.

He will build himself a new home.

-

When Loki hits him, it’s with his mouth, fierce and angry and punishing.

Clint fights, but only just enough to draw out more, quirks his lips and taunts. Loki bruises and scratches and bites, and Clint takes it with a joy that is not _right_ or _sound_ but is _there_ nonetheless.

He counts every hit, every bite, every bruise and scratch and mark and feels satisfaction.

Loki does not offer the cup to him, he forces it, but Clint eagerly drinks the blood of Loki’s desires anyway.

-

When Loki sees the archer, he sees his heart, is angry and envious and possessive.

He wants to own it, for he will never have his own, but he may have another’s. He steals the hawk, fetters its mind to his, and pretends there is a heart that beats inside of his chest.

He takes everything with little more than a demand, but the hawk sprawls himself, fights only because he desires all his king offers, and Loki feels pleasant.

He lays sprawled in bed, drawing fingers idly through Barton’s hair, whose head rests on Loki’s chest.

His hawk turns sharp eyes on him and presses his lips against Loki’s skin.

-

 _You have heart_ , he echoes, mouthing the words against the god’s flesh.

He turns his head back, listens to the rapid beat of the heart beneath his ear. He ignores the way Loki’s fingers tighten in his hair and the way Loki carefully does not breathe.


End file.
